what happened...?

Well, I did post a few days ago but I guess that entry got sucked into the Internet vacuum. I have been laying low for the past few weeks trying to divert a major crisis. There has been little or no work from my #1 temp agency so I applied for unemployment went to another temp agency and took the usual tests and went home to worry and sulk at the same time.

Oh and I forgot to mention I did work for four hours at a dream job that I thought I had but then I didn't. That was a weird experience. On a whim, the woman I interviewed with in the Interactive department of a big magazine publisher decided she wanted to try me out while the person she originally chose for the position called in sick. She was upfront with me when I arrived saying that I was a great candidate but since there were so many great candidates it was hard to pick just one. Well she picked someone else who she thought "was a great temp but not permanent material." So I took my usual hardworking bag of sunshine self and dove in to the task at hand. I researched a proposal and given an established template developed a "bid" for online advertising and marketing. I worked with the sales guy and kept on my toes so of course at the end of the day, my boss decided to let the temp originally working for her to come back to the position and let me go. Once again I was employed and then unemployed. I was not devastated because recently diagnosed as a "Letting-be Jungian personality type" I just smiled thanked everybody and walked away unchanged by the event.

Here I am again looking for work until I can no longer move due to my pregnancy. But frustrated after numerous interviews, submitting project proposals, going to other agencies, sending out hundreds of resumes, enrolling in unemployment I succumbed to another long-term temp to perm position at a very well-known consultancy. Of course the opportunity came the one day I was working at my "dream job" and caused a slight panic at the temp agency when I did not call them back right away. I briefly thought well this is it, I did it found the job I was meant to have and will do my best and once I settle in I will tell them of my "condition." But I avoided the inevitable, as my agency called my home and cell about four or five times leaving desperate messages. Isn't life on the edge exciting?

I finally called them back at 5 pm when I realized I would not be returning to my dj. My recruiter told me of this "great opportunity" with a company I originally interviewed with back last September of 2004. I was reminded that this was exactly what I was looking for and that there was huge potential for me careerwise. I said fine and would speak with them later after, I needed time to process my whirlwind job of four hours. (what I was really thinking was Oh No I will never reach my goal whatever that may be)

When I spoke with my recruiter the next day, she told me that this company had requested me and was this not what I had been looking for? Me, not being able to say no I just went along with it. The next step was the start date. First it was April 12th, then April 6th. I needed to go to IT training before I started so I could be mainstreamed into their systems.

I struggled with the idea of another never ending temp job. Was this the end of my web producer dreams? Should I just be practical, and take what I can get in the short term while I still have to take some time off when my bundle of joy comes? Can't I give birth and return to work the next day? Isn't that what all superwomen do?

I thought, god, I have been on over 30 interviews over the past four months. I am really tired, maybe I am just being too unrealistic, I have been out of the Internet game for over three years and I never really pushed the networking, freelance, industry schmooze thing. Could I have done more and be employed permanently by now? I don't know, you tell me. I pursue every slimmer of a job or project. I keep myself open to any new opportunity that comes along via word of mouth or Internet. Advisors tell me I need to work on my self esteem issues. I am also slow to commit. That is why I have been enjoying the benefits of temping for so long. I know I can split at any moment.

So what did I decide to do? Take the long-term temp job. I hate having no or little income and I guess I have no choice at the moment. I also have to suffer the consequence of saying yes immediately and then dealing with the problems or snags due to my decision. (like not telling the agency of my "condition") So after the same conversation I have heard from the hundreds of temp agencies I am registered with, I once again heard "I should take the position, there is room for growth, once they see how great you are they will want to hire you, they have a huge IT department, maybe there is something else for you there, etc.... " As I stated before, I reluctantly and defeatedly said fine, I will do it. By the end of the week my start date moved three times with no current assignments.

Who would hire me now? I am ambivalent about admin temp work, 5 months pregnant, struggle with depression and dread, endure my fleeting hopes of entrepreneurship and filmmaking, etc etc etc. What the fuck, here I was, suppose to be the superwoman project manager of the Internet formally confident, talented and enthusiastic now a complete withdrawn heap of nothingness.

As usual, I withdrew. I went to my room, crawled into bed, turned off the phone, stayed online, checked my email, read my favorite blogs, and prayed for enlightenment. Aside from thanking the spirits for what I actually have now and allowing new things to come I consulted my shrink and career counselor. Both warned me that I must tell the agency about being pregnant and take the risk of losing the temp job. There are never any guarantees with temping but I am getting tired of the roller coaster of employment uncertainty.

So here I am on a one day assignment at my old company trying to fit in all my prenatal doctor's appointments and waiting for the new long term temp job to begin next week.

more to come.....