In the beginning

When I started this blog, I thought I needed an outlet for the frustration/depression I was experiencing and a way to communicate to the masses since I could not do it on a more intimate level. I see my life and its meager existence as one type before 9/11 and one type after.

I hate labels, and don't like the title mommyblogger but I started this blog when I discovered I was pregnant and I sheepishly needed to process my impending lifestyle in a constructive way. I was suffering the trauma of losing everything in my life--job, savings, sanity. I thought that if I verbalized what I was thinking and experiencing, it would help me move forward in whatever direction I was in.

Since my social and working life were miserable and almost non-existent I focused on the love of my life and how my world intermeshed with his in the most funniest of ways. We would talk and listen to each other for months offering a different perspective of whatever was hovering over us at the time.

One wonders, strangers, co-workers and some who consider themselves my family, how I could possibly interact let alone fall in love with someone so different from me and my reality--past and future . But five years ago, Z was the tiny spark in the abyss of the dark cave of my life immediately after that day--9/11.

Besides the growing attraction, the sense of abandonment of both of our grim realities, our talent for great sex and you have yourself a date and one of the most challenging and rewarding relationships of my life.

Five years later I consider the stranger on the block and our precious progeny my most intimate family circle. I committed myself to the unknown voyage of parenthood armed with a sense of humor, good survival skills, a supportive family including a great yet flawed partner, then packed the basic tools of the mental health industry and began my journey out of the hole.

Survival mode...

Here I am trying to find a permanent job and a new home both at the same time. I did finally find a new home in the new and improved neighborhood of Bushwick. Just a few stops down on the L train and a brief 20 minute walk to Z's house.

The big test yesterday was introducing Z to my new landlord and letting Z see where Nigeelah and I would be living. Criticism aside, I think he is happy with the situation and even suggested on hanging out for extended periods of time with us.

The new place is small but its NEW. New hardwood floors, clean solid walls and lots of windows with sunshine. I kept telling Z its just a start and who knows where we will all finally end up. Hopefully some day in a brownstone in Boerum Hill Brooklyn.

If all goes as planned, we will be relocated as of October 7, 2006. Watch out United Revival Mennonite Church the Shapiro-Cruz family is moving in!

5 Years ago today.

I am in a place now that I never imagined to be. I am starting to figure more things out less in hindsight and more in the moment.

Today was a tough day the pre and post 9/11 parmas had to mix and mingle. It got pretty ugly today as I tried to maintain some degree of integrity and sincerity.

I am slowly giving up the struggle. I am sorry to say.